Thursday night was one of the hardest nights I’ve had in Kansas yet. We played a show with the band Spoken. They were really cool dudes. The first band played, and they did really good. The second, did alright. Then we were up. I was setting up my drums, making sure they were tuned up. Well, like an idiot, I didn’t warm up. When you play like I do in this band, it’s a must. So, I set myself up for most of what happened next.
This specific show was going to be my first time ever to play live, in front of an audience, with a click. For those who don’t know what that is, it’s a metronome, to help me keep an exact tempo. I was excited for the chance to start using one. But this night, I wasn’t so enthused for some reason. And I found out why. Not warming up, and inexperience with a click proved to be a terrible combination. I felt awkward, sloppy, and tense. It was awful, in my mind. I felt as though I single handedly made everyone else play terrible. I was really mad at myself, and you could tell.
That night, while on the phone with Jess, I couldn’t help but think how I don’t think I’m capable of this. And hearing her mostly over the phone for the last month and a half, instead of in person, made me want to just get up, pack up, and head out. And hearing Mat Kearney’s song “Crashing Down” really encouraged me to do just that.
Well, debating back and forth, I realized that Brandon and Ray have put their faith in me, and has been really investing in me, musically and spiritually. Debating this, and the life I could potentially have. Then realizing all of this, Mat Kearney’s song “In The Middle” came on, and it made the decision to stay. I think if I would have gone back to Enid for a “visit”, it would have been permanent. But I’m here, and I’m chasing my dreams. What I’ve always wanted. It’s just a little harder than anyone could have told me it would be.
So in all this debating, missing my girl, family, and friends, and on the brink of tapping out, I realized this. It’s okay to want to give up, and it’s okay to miss your previous lifestyle. But it’s not okay to go back on your God-given dream. Don’t give up, keep going, and you’ll look back and know you can do anything you want.
No parachutes or safety nets here. One foot on the water to face these fears. I’m coming out strong like it can’t be wrong. I said, “Hey, I won’t fall in the middle.” Mat Kearney - In The Middle
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